All I Want For Christmas

I don’t want a lot for Christmas –
stuff the turkey, crackers, tree!
I am on the naughty list, so
Santa won’t stop here for me.
But there is one other guy
who’s got transport that can fly –
it’s a box so blue…
All I want for Christmas is Who!

Once the festive feasting’s over
(can’t eat any more – today!)
wrapping paper’s been recycled,
kitchen chaos cleared away.
Let me sit before the box
with a pile of Christmas chocs –
I’ll enjoy the view.
All I want for Christmas is Who!


Secret Santa


Now, please don’t call me Scrooge –
I know, I’m a ranter –
but I’m taking a stand
against Secret Santa.

I’ve enough plastic tat!
Like the novelty clock,
and a magic 8 ball,
and that comedy cock…

It’s stuff nobody needs,
so I fear it all will
go to charity shops –
or end up as landfill.

Choosing gifts is a chore;
your choices diminish
when the office decides
a fiver’s the limit.

I’d rather go shopping
for gifts which feel just right
for friends – not for strangers
with taste quite unlike mine.

I don’t need a repeat
of the colleague who cried
when I bought him a book
on bunny suicide…

No more Secret Santa!
It will be a relief –
it’s no better to give
than it is to receive.

Boozy Bird

One Christmas morning I went to a friend.
Now, meeting her’s always a pleasure,
But then she offered me Baileys –
And she pours with a generous measure…

She poured me a large one – then a second –
And then an enormous third!
But I felt just fine, till I toddled home
To do battle with – The Bird.

I wrapped up the turkey in tinfoil –
But found that it just wouldn’t fit!
It was slightly too big for my oven,
So I clumsily hacked off a bit.

Then into the oven the turkey went,
Though later, a thought occurred –
I’d forgotten to put the foil back on!
So I had to re-wrap the bird.

It took me a while (my befuddled mind!)
Then “Something smells funny” I thought.
In fact, there was no roast turkey smell –
I’d not turned on the oven at all!

Well, I took the turkey out – again! –
To wait for the oven to heat.
(Like some turkey hokey-cokey –
That’s no way to treat your meat.)

Now, what else had I forgotten?
Oh, yes – the chunk that I’d mangled.
I wrapped that in foil, and I wedged it in
At quite a precarious angle.

By now I felt totally knackered,
And you won’t be surprised to hear
That, due to my booze-induced delays,
Christmas dinner was late that year.

So, on a Christmas morning,
Wine may be fine, for a toast –
But never have Baileys for breakfast
When you’ve got a turkey to roast!