The virgin at the wedding,
I never thought that would be me.
But no, I’m not the blushing bride –
I’m the mother-in-law to be.
“A virgin mother?” I hear you say,
“What sort of a riddle is that?”
Listen now, and I’ll tell you –
It’s my first time – wearing a hat.
I’ve never had a head for hats,
I’m a milliner’s despair!
I haven’t got a hat face –
And I don’t want to squash my hair.
A trilby doesn’t thrill me,
A pillbox hat is too small.
And as for those Ascot atrocities –
Veils don’t suit me at all!
But I don’t like fascinators,
They’re for those who won’t commit
To either hat or headband –
And the darn thing wouldn’t sit!
So I settled on a broad-brimmed hat.
I thought I’d look a fool,
But while others swelter in the sun,
Here in the shade – I’m cool.
Did they stop making gentlemen after the war?
There don’t seem to be many left anymore –
men who’ll open a door and say ‘Ladies first’
and walk by the road to shield you from dirt,
who’ll take your coat, and pull up your chair
and kiss you goodnight in a style debonair.
No, I’m not after a sugar daddy,
but it’s nice sometimes to feel like a lady,
an old man’s darling, not a young man’s slave –
between us we’ll rob both cradle and grave!
I’ve been buying Bic Cristal for years now
(love the smooth flowing, quick drying ink),
but after seeing Bic Cristal ‘for her’
I might have to have a rethink.
Packaged like a lady’s razor – and
oh look, the barrel’s thinner.
(Like normal pens have too much girth
for fragile female fingers!)
And so what if they’re coloured
pastel shades, of purple, pink?
Inside it’s still the very same –
plain, black, swarthy ink.
I don’t suffer from pens envy.
I don’t need a ‘feminine’ pen.
It’s what I write that matters –
not the means, but the end.
I’d like to have some chocolate
though I don’t think that I should.
It really is delicious
but it doesn’t do me good.
Hang on, I’ve just remembered –
it’s made from beans – hooray!
Does that mean I can count it as
one of my five a day?