Dairy Dilemma

Standing in the chilly aisle, I’m overwhelmed by cheese
(the sheer amount of choice, I mean – not literally).
There’s Camembert and Wensleydale, Gorgonzola, Brie,
Edam, Gouda, Emmental, Feta and Haloumi.
Cheese in wax, and cheese in oil, cheese in brine and plastic,
rounds and squares and triangles, and strings that look elastic.
All these cheesy choices just take too long for me,
so I’ll play it safe with that old faithful – Cheddar, strength 3.



Pockets on clothes for women –
so rare, they’re mythological
and if by chance you find some,
they’re decorative, not functional.
Now really, what woman, I ask you
wants pockets on buttocks or breasts?
No woman on earth looks better
with odd bulges on her chest.
And so we all carry handbags
then aren’t taken seriously
by men, who refuse to use man-bags,
but who hand over wallets and keys,
weigh us down with phones and gadgets
they can’t be bothered to hold –
despite having plenty of pockets!
Is this how men rule the world?


In a world without consequences,
imagine the things you could do…

You could go to a park,
jump all over the grass,
then swim in the pond with the ducks –
or waltz around town
in a fabulous gown,
and kiss the barista in Starbucks.

Try eating a rose!
Abandon all clothes –
or, just go on a date without make-up.
Dare to tell your boss
what to do with their job,
then un-friend a colleague on Facebook.

Finally paint that ‘i’
on a To Let sign,
and whistle at builders you pass.
Take a cheeky chance –
pull down low-hanging pants
to reveal some young feller’s arse!

In a world without consequences,
tell me – what would you do?


Some days I shouldn’t be allowed
in the fruit and vegetable aisle.
I find myself stroking kiwi fruit
with a really cheeky smile.
I giggle when squeezing a melon,
laugh at bananas, kumquats –
and don’t even get me started on
the blameless butternut squash!


Cashiers look at me as if I’m dumb
when I say “No, thanks” to two-for-one.
They explain it’s buy one, get one free –
but one is quite enough for me.
I know, it sounds like it’s a bargain
but, oh, those sneaky supermarkets
know most folk have no self-control –
if we buy two, we’ll just eat both,
and then trot right back to the store
stocking up on more and more.
And even those who try to wait
are foiled by short ‘use by’ dates
and end up guzzling extra down,
saving money, but piling on pounds.
“Bog off!” I say, to this deviousness –
just sell us what we need, for less.