The Seven Dreaded Bins

You can hear the whole street cursing
as the weekly chore begins –
yes, once again it’s time to face
the seven dreaded bins.

First the green bin for the food waste,
tough enough to foil a fox –
but the leaky liner leaves a trail
that’s sticky as a slug’s.

The brown bin holds the garden waste
though it’s really much too big –
you can scarcely wheel the damn thing
once it’s full of grass and twigs.

The cardboard sack’s like raffia
so, once emptied of its load,
it fills with air and, billowing,
sails off along the road.

The paper sack was weighted
with a nifty strip of lead –
sadly, most of those got stolen,
and sold for scrap instead!

Next, the tub for glass and metal,
with black lid to hide the beers
(but, bad news for alcoholics –
the lid always disappears).

The plastic bag is cumbersome,
(though the plastic bottles are light).
It looks like some alien egg sack
when you drag it out at night.

Last, the black bin – it’s enormous!
You could fit a whole body in there.
Once you’ve recycled everything else
this bin should have room to spare.

Now they’re slumped like weary soldiers
(slightly soiled around the rims)
but they’re trying to save the planet –
the seven dreaded bins.

The Pissed Off Princess

Once upon a time
there was a princess.
She was pissed off
’cause her life was a mess.

Her prince had run off
taking all of their cash.
She’d lost her job
and gone on the lash,

drowning her sorrows
in gallons of booze
and running up debts
buying beautiful shoes,

ignoring her friends
and family and all
till her godmother said
“You shall go to the ball!”

(Godmother was human
not some sort of fairy –
but she was quite eccentric
and could be a bit lairy.)

So she dressed the princess
in a second-hand gown,
took her to a club
in the rough part of town.

The princess met a bad boy
who shagged her rotten
and, for a while,
all her cares were forgotten.

(Godmother got off with
the nightclub owner –
a man who’d been begging
for ages to bone her.)

The princess’s temper
was greatly improved –
getting laid really changed
her entire attitude.

So she dumped the bad boy
(though he didn’t care),
lost some weight
and dyed her hair.

She found a new job,
moved somewhere nice
and always took heed
of Godmother’s advice:

“No more joint accounts –
you’re bound to regret it.
And, godmothers rock!
Don’t ever forget it.”

Twinkle-toes

I’ll tell you a secret
that no-one else knows –
beneath my desk
I’ve got twinkle-toes!

The office dress code
says sensible shoes –
so my toenails rebel
with outrageous hues:

Sparkling Garbage,
Space Cadet,
Bubble Bombshell,
Lawless Red,

Devil May Care,
Flawless Flush,
Purple Poodle,
and Lucky Duck.

So, my job may be dull,
but my toenails are bright –
I wonder which colour
I’ll paint them tonight?

Eating The Animal Kingdom

I’m eating the animal kingdom –
alphabetically!
It’s taken a while for me to compile
my edible bestiary.

I’ll have alligator to start with
(will it taste like chicken, or fish?)
A slice of bison would be quite nice, and
then caribou – simply delish!

Some dogfish fresh fried from the chip shop,
a pot of jellied eels,
then maybe some frogs’ legs might hit the spot –
I’ll just have to see how I feel.

Then I could gobble up goose pâté,
wash it down with jugged hare.
Impala steak will be next on the plate,
delicious cooked lovely and rare.

Oh, jellyfish can be chewy (yuck!)
Kangaroo can be too –
but I’m rather keen on lamb, if it’s lean,
and I really enjoy moose stew.

I’ll nibble next on a nautilus,
try ostrich, in a bun.
The taste of pheasant is very pleasant
and quail, though quite small, can be fun.

Rabbit ragu vanished rapidly
(almost scampered away).
I wouldn’t want seal for every meal,
but turkey is more than OK.

I want to try hedgehog cooked in clay –
called urchin, years ago.
Then some venison (sorry, Bambi’s mum –
the yummiest mummy I know!)

Wild boar is a tasty W
but X has set me back –
it’s hard to feast on an extinct beast,
but if I can’t get yeti, there’s yak.

So now I’ve nearly reached the end
of my animal repast.
Just wait a sec for it all to digest –
I’ll save the zebra till last!