Category Archives: Humour

Funny poems

Condiments To The Chef

Humour 2 Comments

Welcome to my kitchen,
I’ve just finished cooking tea.
Now, before you reach for condiments,
Can you do one thing for me?
I may not be a master chef
But I’m sure I’m not the worst
So please, for once, I beg of you –
Just taste the damn thing first!

You can drown your meal in vinegar
(I’ve balsamic or malt),
Inundate your plate with gravy,
Sprinkle it with salt,
Pile it up with pickle,
Grind pepper till you sneeze,
Dollop on some salad cream
Or maybe mayonnaise.

You can dab it with Tabasco,
Slather it with butter,
Cover it with ketchup,
Smother it with mustard,
Add any of your sauces
(Lea and Perrins, soy, HP),
I really don’t mind what you use –
Just taste it first – for me?

Cloning Johnny Depp

Humour 4 Comments

Scientific breakthroughs
Needn’t lead to Frankenstein.
In fact, there is one project
I’m sure would be worth trying.
If they’ve perfected cloning sheep,
The logical next step
Is cloning something everybody wants –
Like Johnny Depp!

To get more women into science,
This research would be key.
Imagine, enough Depp for all,
For you – and you – and me!
And it’s not just for the ladies
For, whatever your persuasion,
You must admit those cheekbones
Hold a certain fascination

Ignore those who scream, “Ethics!
It’s against all natural laws!”
Funding can (and must) be found
For such a worthy cause.
This world would be more beautiful
With Depps spread far and wide,
And we might start a brand new category
when it comes to the Nobel Prize.

Ladies Who Don’t Have Time For Lunch

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In to work from nine until one,
Back home to get the housework done,
Then battling through another school run –
The ladies who don’t have time for lunch.

Life’s not as imagined when you were young –
Caring for children, and caring for mum.
“Maybe I should have been a nun,
Not a lady who doesn’t have time for lunch!”

Never stand still, yet still getting plump,
Watching your single friends have fun,
Wondering when your turn will come.
Ladies, please – treat yourself to lunch!