When I shop at Ann Summers
I don’t slink in, all furtive.
No, I stroll in, nonchalant,
proceed to make my purchase.
But I’ve not been there in a while –
now their bags are less discreet,
and something in the new design
just sends men into heat.

So, don’t shop at Ann Summers
unless you’ve nerves of steel!
That little pink and purple bag
has instant man appeal.
It’s bound to draw attention
(whether you like it or not)
so don’t shop at Ann Summers
if you are easily shocked.

When one guy called “You go, girl!”
I thought “Does he mean me?”
But then another said “Yeah, nice”
and then came number three!
I’m sure I’m almost old enough
to be the young man’s mum –
but that was not deterring him
from checking out my bum!

So, if you shop at Ann Summers,
and you’ll be walking home,
prepare to run the gauntlet of
those high street Romeos.
They’ll think you’re feeling frisky
but – though that may be true –
boys, just because we’re up for it
does not mean it’s with you!

To make things yet more awkward
I was meeting Dad for tea,
and though he is the quiet type
he isn’t that naive.
I’m sure he knows this apple
isn’t from the Apple store –
and no girl likes her daddy
to think that she’s a whore!

So, don’t shop at Ann Summers
unless you’ve balls of brass,
because those constant catcalls
are a right pain in the arse.
No, don’t shop at Ann Summers
without a back-up plan –
a sturdy canvas carrier
to hide your prize from Man!